Why is it we deny our age not wanting to reveal it and take costly steps to camouflage it? Why do we see aging as a bad thing when if you live long enough, it is inevitable. Aging is not a bad thing when you see the benefits of it…longevity (the length or duration of life). Longevity enables you to look back over your life to see, in my case, how God was there with me when I didn’t know it, orchestrating it all…the good, the bad and the ugly. Integration (to give or cause to give equal opportunity and consideration to (a racial, religious, or ethnic group or a member of such a group) proved to be just that for me…good, bad and ugly.

Because of the racial divide in the state, county, city where I grew up, I thought of myself as being inferior (lower in place or position; closer to the bottom or base). That inferiority was heightened by my questions of “why” going unanswered. For years on end, nothing changed. In time, the only thing left was to believe it…accept it. Feeling less than does nothing for your confidence, self-esteem or awareness. Feeling less than keeps you from dreaming of better things…what could be as opposed to what is. To get beyond it, I discovered the beauty of reading. I enjoyed reading and devoured books that took me to far away places. Literally immersing myself as a character standing on the sideline watching the story unfold. Books were my escape…until the day an opportunity came knocking.

The principal of the school I only saw in the distance across the parallel line came to a Friday Chapel program with an appeal to integrate. Failure to do so would mean a loss in federal funds for the school he represented. I didn’t hesitate and went straightway to the principal’s office to register. I didn’t give any thought to how I was going to get to the school on the other side of town. But here again, God was with me…(“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert”) Isaiah 43:18-19 ESV It was indeed a new thing for me and many who knew I had signed up looked at me with scorn for volunteering. That did not deter me because I still had unanswered questions. I wanted to know why the landscape was only one way “have and have not”.

The day came and I went across town to school. I never imagined a school building as well appointed and equipped with everything you needed to make learning easier….new unused books, speech and foreign language labs, fully equipped gymnasium, wood shop, science lab, running track with marked lanes, a large open library with TV’s and every book imaginable…drivers education with cars to drive…manicured grass, shrubbery and trees…more than I could take in. The first day was overwhelming to say the least. I had a lot to learn and no one to ask. “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”). Deuteronomy 31:8 ESV. it was the first time I had ever taken a Physical Education class. I was sore and my arms hurt, barely able to carry my books. As I think back, I am so grateful God was with me…so grateful.

I have always been ‘observant’ and it served me well during the first few weeks of school. I watched. Needless to say, it was a stark and dramatic difference in what I knew as school. In my adjusting to it all, it didn’t take long for me to realize I was not inferior. The behavior of some around me was about as stark and dramatic as the building itself. Here again, I watched. What I saw and observed over time left an indelible print and I promised myself to never again feel inferior to another human being. That was the good that came from integration…even to this day.

The bad of integration was my leaving behind all those I had grown up with from first grade to that point in high school. I left behind the teachers who motivated and challenged me to do more…’we expect more from you’. It was literally a severing of ties that were never mended. I had done the unthinkable…defected to the other side. The bad and worse of it was the recognition of who I was by those I was now with…”the Help’s daughter”. ‘She shouldn’t be here with us.’ And that’s not all. The bad of integration was never fitting in. I never gained one single friend in all the time I was there. In fact, I had been in some of their homes with “the Help”. They knew my name…I knew theirs and that was it.

The decision was made. There was no going back nor did I want to go back. I did not want to go back to used, tattered books, dusty fields, old dilapidated buildings. I did not want to go back to where I was no longer welcomed…the ridicule I would face.…I could not go back. (“fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. You shall seek those who contend with you but you shall not find them; those who war against you shall be as nothing at all. For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”) Isaiah 41:10-13 ESV. From then until now, God continues to help me.

Integration can be ugly….real ugly. I experienced it first hand. The memory of it is still very vivid after all these years. I believe it remains with me as a reminder to never treat another person the same no matter who they are.

In the school I left, there was the ‘Honor Roll’…students who made the grades. The list posted after each semester outside the principal’s office. In the this school, it was a totally different thing…the National Honor Society…an induction ceremony. I did not know my name would be called. I was shocked. I walked across the stage with wobbly knees to receive the certification, a hand shake and welcome. It was a rare moment for me. I had never been the recipient of anything as special. However, there was a caveat…failure to make the grades meant I would lose my membership. The pressure was on and ‘ugly’ was waiting. An unusual thing happened that day. After the ceremony, a teacher I had seen in passing quietly said, “If you need help, I will help you. Come to my classroom”. And she was gone.

My English class was shortly after the ceremony and it began with an announcement…”The National Honor Society is not recognized here until you pass my English class.” There were others in the room who were inducted that day, but the comment was directly to me. No one cared for this teacher. She wore a huge chignon on the top of her head and the same style dress…long sleeves with a belt around the waist. She had a chipped front tooth and wore black rimmed glasses. From that day forward, an all out effort was made to make it very hard for me…and for every one else. That is what happens when your actions are calculated against someone. There is a tendency to forget the implications to others.

Let’s be honest here, I didn’t know anything about diagramming a sentence, but that was the first attempt made to keep me from making the grade. I was given a compound, complex sentence to diagram as homework. What was I to do? I went to the teacher who said she would help. She didn’t help with the sentence, but showed me the “ins and outs” of sentence structure and diagramming. The next day, I was the first one called to go to the board. There were two other boards in the room. The diagram of the sentence I was given covered the entire board…and after discussing the two other sentences, the unthinkable happened. The lady with the huge chignon on top of her head erased it. She walked to the board and erased the sentence I had diagrammed. She then turned around and accused me of not going to the board and ‘sassing’ her when I said I did go. Of course, she asked another student if I had gone to the board and if the diagram was correct…Yes. It gets worse.

The next attempt was the term paper assignment. The subjects were preselected and by choice. The first requirement before writing the paper was to outline and support the subject using three by five note cards…a title card and forty-nine (49) cards supporting the subject. You probably have already guessed I was the first one called to the front. The lady with the huge chignon on top of her head used a lectern to teach. As i stood next to the lectern, she pulled the garbage can over. She read the title card placed it on the lectern and then methodically flicked forty-nine (49) cards into the garbage can. I had never been so humiliated and hurt in my life. There was a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but I begged…”Lord please don’t let the tears roll down my face”. Somehow they were caught in the folds of my eyelids and remained there. She finished this horrible act she enjoyed…and with a smirk said…”you are in a fix aren’t you?”. A fix for sure because I was home alone with five kids…but I would never give her the satisfaction of knowing it. (“The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? The Lord is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me..”) Psalm 118:6-7 ESV The remainder of the class sat horrified and rushed out immediately apologizing for her actions after class…”we are so sorry she did that to you…we are telling our parents what she did to you.” By the time the semester was over, many would be sick and skipped class. I don’t know what was said or who said it, but the lady with the huge chignon on top of her head became more civil after that. She didn’t bother me anymore. In fact, everyone appeared to be more relaxed around me. I don’t know what happened to the lady with the huge chignon on top of her head. What she did was not the end of me, but an event that helped me learn to expect the unexpected.

Integration taught me how to manage against all odds and never turn my back on God. He is my father and I am His forever. (“Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; our God is merciful. For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living..”) Psalm 116:5-8 ESV. In the end, I remained a member of the National Honor Society…and it served a greater purpose in days to come.

Vivian